✽ imeeji: memory seven

[wonderlandgirl]

She wants to join in, but she doesn't: she's running over all the things they could tell her, all the ways they could find to shut her down flat. She hoards her words as if she fears she'll run out of them, just when she needs them the most.


✽ if you were me

It’s close now, very close. So close she's counting the days on the fingers of one hand. She's nervous, yes, of course she's nervous - but, cutting through it all, there's a sense of anticipation. It's like being a child, and marking off the days till Christmas, or her birthday... or, no, more like hanging up her uniform the night before high school commencement, like lying awake in the dark to see it there and waiting, sleeves crisp, ribbon loose, the pleats of the skirt razor-sharp. It's that knowledge that something's expected of her that makes the feeling what it is. The others are feeling it too: that energy, that tension. She doesn't think they've ever felt more like a band.

They're at the agency, they're gathered about the table; she's only half-listening as Chisato lectures Maya, that strange mixture of encouragement and criticism that's so - well, so Chisato, really. She only has a second or two to be guiltily glad that it's Maya on the recieving end of it for once when the other girl half-turns, looks directly at her.

"Maybe we should try practising some stage patter?" she says, and it's not a request. "If we move around the personal practice schedule a little--"

She gets no further. The door clicks open, and one of the agency staffers - it's Yamazaki-san, this time - slips in. He smiles through his greetings: the staff smile a lot, these days. She likes to believe it's a good sign.

"Has something happened~?" It's Hina who speaks up. Hina, rushing ahead as always.
"Well, we're very close to the big day." Yamazaki draws a seat - oh, it's a longer conversation - and settles at the table. "So I wanted to talk to you about the upcoming show. Wew're incredibly impressed, you know. With the lessons we've provided, plus all of your own extra-curricular practice, you've all really improved dramatically! And, thanks to your efforts selling tickets, your popularity has grown... and you have fans out there excited to come and watch."
"Thank you!" Hina's first again, but they all chime in.
"Taking your newfound skills and the expectations of your fans into consideration... we would very much like you to perform for real this time."

For real.

She releases a breath she doesn't realize she's been holding: they all do. She can feel it, the relief of it all - weeks and weeks of nervous tension, dissipating simple as a sigh. She's trying not to smile too hard, as she glances about the table: they all are, except perhaps for Hina. Hina has never seen the need to hide, and she's frankly beaming, her green eyes glittering with excitement.

"Do you think you're ready?"
"Wow..." It's Eve who gets there first this time, and she sounds as relieved as she looks. "Of course, of course!"
"I'm so glad we all practised so hard!" Maya says brightly.
"Of course we're ready!" Hina chimes in. "Of course we're ready. That's what we've been rehearsing for!"
It's okay. It's all okay. "This is perfect!" she says, she lets slip. "We'll give it everything we have!"

And immediately she wishes she hadn't. Because Yamazaki's staring straight at her, and the look on his face tells her, long before he can open his mouth, that she at least has spoken too soon.

"There is just one problem, however. For the vocals..." He hesitates. "We would ask that you let us use the recording we prepared before."

He might just as well have stood up, and slapped her in the face.

"What...?" she manages, after way too long a pause, and her mouth's so dry it's a miracle she manages that much. "What do you mean?"
And it's consideration again, of course it is. It's consideration, and cautiousness, and a million and one other ways of telling her that she's a liability. "Pastel✽Palettes is recieving great feedback recently," he begins, and by the look on his face he's wishing this was anyone's job but his, "but we have to remember there will be a lot of other bands' fans at this event. It is not unlikely that some of these others might shout out nasty comments from the crowd, just like at your debut show. You do get the most stage fright out of all the members... and we just cannot afford for you to lose your voice again like last time." He smiles. He looks like he's sorry. He probably is sorry.

"But..." someone says, and it's Eve, sweet Eve: she's too busy trying not to cry. Too caught up with that inner voice saying he's right, he's right, he's right. "She has worked so hard in rehearsals! She put in so much effort!"

If only it worked like that, Eve. If only hard work alone could make dreams come true.

"As far as I'm aware," Chisato says, surprisingly sharply, "the whole reason we began these lessons in the first place was to allow us to continue performing should the music cut out again, was it not? What do you expect us to do if the vocals cut out again this time?" The look on her face says Chisato's not much happier about this than she is, and she thinks, for a second, how very strange...
"There are always risks involved with performing at a live event," Yamazaki says, and that's the end of the discussion. "It has been decided that being able to perform without issue is what is most important to the band. That is what I am here to tell you. We took this decision exactly because of how important you all are to us. We really hope you can understand. I'm sorry."

He looks like he expects her to say something. They all do. But there's nothing, there's nothing she can say. She's a failure, she always will be, and they can't afford to be seen to fail again. He's right. He's right. He's right.

She's on her feet before she realizes it.

"Please," she says, and she chokes on it. "Just... give me a moment."

And she's off, she's off and running, before any of them can see the tears fall.

✽

It's not surprising that they find her. It's not even a surprise how quick it is. Where else would she be? She's here every day, in the studio for hours: after school, after work, weekends. Rain or shine, morning or night, she's here, she's here. she's here. Sometimes she feels like a ghost, tied to place and pattern. Singing the same phrases over and over and over, practicing poses in the mirror, dancing until she drops. She's huddled up in one corner, her back to the glass, but the room feels full.

She raises her head when the door opens. She scrubs at her eyes.

"I thought you might be here."

Chisato. Just Chisato. She'd been expecting Eve, or Maya, or all of them. Not Chisato alone.

"Chisato-chan!" She stumbles to her feet, one hand dragging against the mirror glass, smearing it with prints. "But how...?"
"I know you," Chisato says with a surprisingly gentle smile. It might even be one of her own. "I know you'd want to be surrounded by your practice and effort."

Does she? Does she really? She's surrounded, but by her own ghost. She's not sure if it's a comfort or quite the reverse.

"Practice and effort," she echoes, and her voice sounds so small and tired it's no wonder they don't trust it any more. She sighs. Steps away and into the room, heavy with hour on wasted hour of practice and effort, feeling her ghosts drift about her. She's fourteen, she's fifteen, she's sixteen... and she's smiling, always smiling as she works her hardest, and watches her dreams slip away. "When I was a trainee," she says, "I was in a small idol group. My debut was my dream, and for three years I worked hard at it. But it just didn't go anywhere. I didn't get my debut, but I was forced to graduate... and that's how I joined Pastel✽Palettes."

She smiles at Chisato. Idols always smile.

"But I was so happy," she says. "I thought, my dream has come true. I put it all down to the efforts I'd made, that they'd come back to me as pure confidence in myself. I know I don't really have any talent. That's why I put in the extra work to make up for it and keep myself moving forward. Because... I have no other option. No matter how many times I made a mistake... I never wanted to give up. But--" the words catch at her, they get stuck in her throat, "Now... Now they tell me that I can't sing at our show. The one thing I believed in, that my efforts would bring success... maybe it wasn't true after all. I feel like everything I've built up to now has come crumbling down and... it hurts..."

She's crying again, forcing herself to speak, even as she chokes on her tears. Still Chisato is silent.

"What would you do," she says, " if you were told not to perform? For your career as an idol? Would you just accept it?"
For a long moment, Chisato says nothing at all. Then she says, "There are some things that can't be done with effort alone." She said it before, of course. Why would that have changed? Why would it have changed now, just because she wanted it to? "That's why I chose to believe in something more... real. If I was told not to sing, that it would help us succeed... I think I probably would accept it."

It's not what she wants to hear. But Chisato's right, isn't she? Just like she was right before...

"But that's just me," Chisato says into the silence: there's a look on her face she hasn't surprised there before. "That's what Chisato Shirasagi would do. You know... I really thought I understood you, but it looks like I was wrong."
"What?" She blinks. She's so startled she forgets she's supposed to be crying.
"You told me before that you wanted to become your own kind of idol. The person I know sprints towards her dreams head first. She believes in her efforts, she never gives up... The only betrayal here would be if you stopped trying. You would be betraying yourself. Whatever might come your way... you cannot let that happen."

And Chisato turns. She crosses to the door. But she hesitates for a moment, and she looks back.

"That's all I have to say."

The door swings silently shut behind her.

✽

Three days, two days, one day to go. She's been counting in hours for hours before she realizes she's doing it: and, before she knows it, she's standing backstage in a dressing room very like the last. She's wearing the same dress, the same shoes, the same white ribbons in her hair, and yet somehow everything's different, or it is for everybody but her...

For me too, she tells herself. It's different for me, as well.

The others are chatting, laughing over something Eve has said - mis-said, from what she's picking up on. Someone's misplaced a script, someone's shouting about equipment checks: there's a lot of fuss as expected about amps and about cabling, and fuses and sockets and plugs. May's nervous. Eve's nervous. And Hina's excited, of course. She wants to join in, but she doesn't: she's running over, again and again and again, the million and one ways that all this could go wrong. All the things they could tell her to shut her down flat. She hoards her words as if she fears she'll run out of them, just when she needs them the most.

"Hi, everyone." It's Yamazaki-san again, and that's good. Good, because he's younger and eager and genuinely might have been sorry. Good, because that might mean he can be swayed. "Are we all here?"
Nods. Good afternoon-ing. She manages to choke out a Hello.
"All right," Yamazaki says brightly, "Then let's go over the plan for today. Does everyone have their scripts?"

Maya nods. Eve rustles paper. She gets to her feet.

"E-excuse me...!"
Yamazaki blinks at her. His eyes flicker from her face to the script in her hand. "Yes?"
"Um..." No. She steels herself. She knows what she's doing. "I'd like to say something first, if that's okay?"
"Of course," Yamazaki says, like it's nothing, and she realizes he has absolutely no idea what's coming. "Go ahead."

Go ahead. She draws a breath.

Here goes nothing.

"I..." She stumbles over it. "I want you to let me sing!"
"What?"
"I want you to let me sing in today's show," she says again, but louder, firmer, clearer, and more confidently with every word. "I know that I've always had bad stage fright. I know I can't deal with even the simplest of problems, but... I... I put in every last effort to make sure this show is a success! I'm making fewer and fewer mistakes. I'm singing parts I couldn't sing before... I'm gaining a confidence in myself that I never used to have... All the effort I've made that has carried me this far... it has made me who I am. Aya Maruyama."

It's her. It's her.

Aya Maruyama.

That's her.

"I don't have the talent," she says. Frank. Simple. Undeluded. "But I work extremely hard. And I don't want to see all my hard work go to waste. If you take that away from me, I have nothing left at all. I... I am Aya Maruyama, of Pastel✽Palettes! I want the people out there to see exactly who I am. So please give me this chance. Please!"
No, he had absolutely no idea what was coming. "I mean..." Yamazaki manages, after a time, "the show's about to start..."

She knows. She knows. But she - but Aya - has said everything she can do, and there are no more words--

"Aya-san has worked so hard!" Eve blurts out.

Not from her. But she's not alone here. Just like she'll never be alone, out on stage.

"She has practiced more than any of us! I just know she can do it! Please...!"
She's tall, is Eve, and Aya smiles at her. Having Eve stood by her side makes her feel taller, too, and outspoken, and proud, and strong as any samurai. There's two of them, and then there's three: Maya's on her feet now, too. "As a member of Pastel✽Palettes, and someone who wants to see the real Aya Maruyama out on that stage, I have to ask too," she says. "Please!"
"Yeah!" Hina chimes in. "I mean, Aya-chan's good now. She's not gonna fail out there... I know it!"
Yamazaki's wavering. She can see it, they all can. "You guys..." Then his gaze falls on Chisato, and she arches a brow.
"We all know," Chisato says, "there is absolutely no room for mistakes up on that stage. We know there is a risk of Aya-chan getting stage fright again. We understand that."
"Chisato-chan...!" Aya cries--

But Chisato's smile says everything. You found your voice, Aya.

Yamazaki sighs, but the ghost of a smile is tugging at his lips. "... Okay," he says. "Give me a moment. Let me talk to the event staff."
For a moment, Aya can't quite believe it. She gazes at him, blinking back tears. "Thank you!"

And then he leaves them, tucking the script under his arm. The dressing-room door clicks quietly closed, and Aya slumps in relief as Eve wraps an arm about her shoulders.

"That sounds promising, Aya-san!"
"It does," Aya says through a smile. She almost can't believe it. The one thing she'd hardly dared hope for, and yet somehow here she is: a genuine idol. A real singer, in a real band. The one thing that tells her she isn't dreaming it all is that the thought of it makes her feel slightly sick. But she beams at them, at all of them, and for a dangerous moment she thinks she just might start to cry. "Thank you all so much...!"
Hina beams at her. "I knew you'd bring a real sparkling solution to all this. I'm glad to see it worked out." She nudges Chisato, just a little. "Right, Chisato-chan?"
"What are you talking about?" Chisato says.
"Hmm?" Hina giggles. "Never mind."

✽ notes

✽ Meet Aya Maruyama. With this memory, Wednesday finally knows her full, true name.

✽ Aya has been a trainee idol for three years, and her stage fright has always stalled her. During this time, she was a member of another idol unit (their name is never mentioned) consisting of herself and two other girls. Nothing else is known about this group.

✽ Aya has already dealt with a lot of disappointment in her idol career. Her determination to make Pastel✽Palettes a success stems from the belief - which may very well be accurate - that this is her last, best chance to live her dreams.

✽ Chisato is finally using her powers for good. This is a significant moment for her as well, and for Aya's relationship with her. Though she initially believed the band was a dead end and that Aya was a fool for her idealistic views, Chisato finally makes it plain that she not only values the band as much as Aya does, but also values her right to be different and live her life in the way that works for her.

✽ Though she's easily discouraged, it is very, very, very hard to keep this girl down for long. For all she had difficulty speaking up for herself at first, by the time of Pastel✽Palettes' first genuine live appearance Aya has already grown into the kind of person who cannot sit quietly by if she believes there's something she has to do to make things better, even if it's difficult or frightening.

✽ For all that Chisato believes you can't get very far with hard work alone... the band's success in transforming themselves into a live act proves that hard work definitely helps.

Code by efryndiel